Eight Tips for When You’re Feeling Sexually Disconnected From Your Partner
Hey there! I'm Kristina Scott, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist with a passion for helping individuals and relationship partners create pleasure-filled, joyful embodiment and sexual satisfaction. In my therapeutic practice, I've guided folks through the myriad complexities of intimacy issues, including the realities of feeling sexual disconnection, so if you're feeling distant from your partner sexually, this post is for you. Here, you'll find understanding and practical advice to help bridge the gap, offering both hope and strategies for re-enlivening your time together.
Common reasons why you may be feeling disconnected sexually from your partner
For many, sexual intimacy is a deeply important part of their relationship, a place that offers both a physical and emotional connection. Even so, it's not uncommon for relationship partners to experience periods of sexual disconnect--where they just can't see eye to eye, and things just don't feel satisfying-- a disparity that can lead to feelings of frustration, tension, and hopelessness. But understanding some of the common underlying causes of the experience of disconnection can help. Here are some common reasons why you may be feeling the way you do:
Mismatched Desires
One of the most frequent causes of sexual disconnect is a mismatch in desire. Levels of sexual desire or interest can vary greatly from one person to another and can be influenced by factors such as stress, health, or hormones. When one partner has a higher or lower sex drive than the other, it can lead to feelings of rejection and inadequacy on the one hand, or feeling pressured or harassed on the other, all of which have the potential to cause significant strain on the relationship.
Communication Issues
We all know that good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but this is especially true when it comes to sex. Partners may feel too shy or embarrassed to discuss their sexual desires or concerns openly. They may have experienced negative messages about sexuality, their gender or their body growing up, and feel a deep sense of shame around sex as an adult. And because they may not have had a quality sex education--around anatomy, sexual function, communication or pleasure--they may lack of confidence or have feelings of inadequacy. All of this can create the perfect conditions for misunderstandings and unmet expectations to arise, and can prevent partners from finding the kinds of support they need.
Stress and Fatigue
The pressures of daily life—be it from work, financial worry, or parenting or caregiving demands—can deplete both physical and mental energy, leaving little left for the kind of fun, playful dynamic that best supports turn-on and satisfying sexual connection. Stress and fatigue can diminish not only the energy needed to support sexual desire but can also impact the body's ability to support the physiological function and ability to access pleasure, further deepening patterns of disinterest and avoidance.
Emotional Detachment
For many (but certainly not all!), sexual satisfaction is deeply intertwined with some level of emotional connection. When partners experience unresolved conflict or emotional distance, it can show up as a lack of interest in connecting physically. Emotional disconnection might stem from feelings of resentment, lack of trust, or feeling unappreciated or unseen by the other partner. Addressing the issues underneath the detachment can help to re-establish a sense of presence and appreciation, which can be supportive in relighting that erotic spark.
Physical and Health Issues
We all live in physical bodies, and ongoing health issues have the potential to seriously impact both sexual function and desire. Issues such as IVF, pregnancy or post-partum recovery, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, chronic pain, or peri-/menopause as well as the medications and procedures to treat them can all drastically affect one's interest in and ability to engage in sexuality activity. Addressing these medical concerns with a provider who is knowledgeable and supportive of your sexual health and well-being can a major step in the right direction.
Lifestyle and Habitual Differences
Differences in lifestyle and habits, such as mismatched sleeping patterns or differing work schedules, can also create barriers to a fulfilling sex life. Additionally, issues like high levels of alcohol consumption or smoking can impair sexual function and interest. Aligning lifestyles and getting support to manage problematic habits can potentially help you in re-engaging with one another.
History of Sexual Trauma or Abuse
Experiencing sexual trauma or abuse can profoundly affect an individual's ability to access their own sense of embodiment and pleasure or to engage in and enjoy intimate or sexual relationships with others. When someone has a history of sexual trauma or abuse, they may associate sexual intimacy with fear, shame, pain, or distrust, which can--quite understandably--lead to disinterest in or avoidance of sexual activity. In these instances, it's imperative that their partner(s) relate to them with immense compassion, patience and understanding. Therapy, both individual and as a couple, can be deeply supportive in working through these issues, helping the survivor to build a sense of safety and trust in the experience of physical closeness, at their own pace.
Sexual Shame
Feelings of sexual shame have their origins in many places, including negative cultural, religious or family messaging, that can lead to feeling fundamentally flawed or broken for having sexual desires or engaging in activities outside the group norm, which can later seriously inhibit the ability to communicate about sex or the expression of sexual needs, leading to a lack of sexual intimacy. Addressing sexual shame often requires confronting these deep-seated beliefs and attitudes through open discussion. Working with a knowledgeable, non-judgemental, sex-positive therapist can be a great way for all relationship partners to have the space to de-shame their desires and uncover their authentic sexual selves.
The role of sexual intimacy in romantic relationships
Shared sexual pleasure and fulfillment can be one of the most enlivening aspects of a relationship, serving as everything from one hell of a way to spend a Saturday night, to being a source of joyful witnessing and deep connection, to a place of extraordinary spiritual expansion, bringing partners together beyond what's available in theday-to-day, emotional and physical intimacy or intellectual level. It enhances the overall health of a relationship by building closeness, reducing stress, and enhancing feelings of love and satisfaction. On the flip side, when sexual intimacy begins to wane, it can have profound impacts on both the relationship and individual well-being.
Reduced Emotional Connection
Physical closeness and care are fundamental humans needs that bond us to one another, making us feel valued and loved. In relationships where sexual intimacy serves as an expressions of connection, a lack of sexual intimacy can lead to a diminished sense of emotional connection. One or more partner may feel more distant or feel disconnected themselves, making it more communication harder and potentially creating cycles where emotional distance hinders sexual intimacy, further exacerbating the disconnect.
Increased Conflict
If one or more partners are feel unsatisfied with the sexual status quo, it can create feelings of frustration or irritability that can spill over into other areas of the relationship. Minor disagreements might escalate into major conflicts as underlying resentments about the lack of physical intimacy surface, putting even further strain on the relationship.
Lowered Self-Esteem
Humans are inherently relational people, and we need to feel valued by those we're in relationship with, so when intimacy fades, it can impact one's self-esteem or body image, which may lead to serious doubts about one's attractiveness or worthiness as a partner and lover, all of which can effect the quality of the relationship as well.
Vulnerability to External Stressors
Many relationship partners who maintain a strong sexual connection find that they can use their intimacy as a kind of buffer from the stress of the world outside the relationship, like work or family issues, and without that source of support, may find it harder to cope with those external pressures.
Eight tips to approach feeling sexually disconnected from your partner
Working through a period of sexual disconnection within a relationship can be challenging--but when tended to with intentionality, care, skill and the right support--is also absolutely possible. Addressing this issue effectively requires patience, understanding, and a deep commitment to everyone's pleasure and satisfaction. Here are some strategies that can help couples overcome periods of sexual disconnection:
1. Communication: Compassionate, Skillful & Consent-based
Creating relational space that is safe enough for all partners to feel comfortable expressing their needs, desires, and concerns without judgment is the foundation for any successful communication. And because talking about sex--what's working, what's not, and if/how to course correct--can be especially sensitive, developing the skills to create that sense of safety is all the more important. If you haven't already, consider scheduling regular check-ins to practice active listening while discussing your sex life, using these opportunities to be clear about what you both enjoy or might want to change (and remember, the goal is to understand and respond to each other, not to criticize or blame.)
2. Seek Professional Help
When personal efforts to resolve sexual issues aren't enough, turning to a professional such as a sex therapist can be helpful. These professionals specialize in sexual health and well-being, as well as relationship issues, and can provide support and guidance around your particular troubles. Therapy can help address underlying problems such as emotional disconnection or communication barriers that are contributing to the sexual disconnect.
3. Manage Stress and Fatigue
Considering the impact stress and fatigue can have on sexual desire, pleasure and function, consider integrating stress-reduction techniques such as yoga, meditation, or regular exercise into your daily life. Do your best to prioritize getting enough sleep, and find ways to share responsibilities to reduce individual burdens. By addressing and minimizing the sources of stress and fatigue in your life, you may also be able to better your overall energy levels and mood, which can support more enjoyable intimate experiences.
4. Reestablish Emotional Intimacy
Spending quality time together without distractions, sharing in activities that you both enjoy, and being physically affectionate in non-sexual ways can strengthen your connection to one another, and increase your comfort levels with each other, which may lead to a more active and satisfying sexual relationship.
5. Address Medical or Health Issues
If health issues are affecting the sexual aspect of your life, consider consulting with your healthcare provider to find effective treatments or make adjustments to any current medications. Don’t hesitate to ask about options like pelvic physical therapy, hormone therapy, counseling, or other interventions that might address physical conditions negatively impacting your sexual function.
6. Adapt to Lifestyle and Habit Changes
Consider adapting your lifestyle to create more opportunities for intimacy. If coordinating your schedules is challenging, consider scheduling--and keeping--regular date nights. Commit to managing unhealthy habits that may be affecting your sexual health, and mental and emotional well-being, which can improve your relationship satisfaction and physical and mental well-being.
7. Healing from Sexual Trauma or Abuse
If a history of sexual trauma or abuse is contributing to the disconnect, it’s important to approach intimacy with immense compassion and patience. Partners should support each other in seeking individual or couples therapy to work through these experiences. Building a sense of safety and trust in physical closeness takes time, and professional guidance can provide the necessary tools and space for healing. Therapy can help survivors navigate their feelings and gradually reclaim a sense of embodiment and pleasure, in turn helping them in the co-creation of a more supportive and understanding relationship dynamic.
8. Confronting Sexual Shame
Addressing sexual shame involves confronting deep-seated beliefs and attitudes about sexuality and the body. Working with a knowledgeable, non-judgmental, sex-positive therapist can help all partners de-shame their desires and uncover their authentic sexual selves. Open discussions about these feelings and experiences within the therapeutic space can create an environment where everyone feels validated and accepted.
Get compassionate, professional support for navigating sex and intimacy with your partner.
I'm all about open, honest, quality connection, so if you're feeling distant from your lover, and are wanting a warm-hearted, compassionate support in exploring how you and your partner might find your way, reach out today for a free consultation. I'd love to hear from you.
